After we visited more day care centers a few weeks ago, I told D that while we were meeting with each director and were treated so nicely by them, I was struggling inside with this battle going on. I don't know if I'm going to be able to describe it in a way that really makes sense, but I'll try. Here goes...
For the past two years (and honestly, probably even before that) I have made myself feel very uncomfortable around most pregnant women, small children (I know what you're thinking- aren't you a kindergarten teacher? For some reason, that's different.), situations where parenting would come up and I might have to engage in conversation, etc. Even cute kids in restaurants made me feel uncomfortable. It's like, I lost the ability to treat these situations as normal. They were no longer that. Instead, they were anxiety-inducing. They were things that I went out of my way to avoid. Like a few weeks ago when we went out to eat with D's family for his mom's birthday and his cousin was there with his new baby. Instead of feeling excited for them and being thrilled to see the newest addition for the first time, the only thing I could think about was, "What am I supposed to do? Is everyone looking at me? Do they notice how awkward I feel?" So needless to say, the whole time we were in the day cares, I still felt uncomfortable. Like I wasn't supposed to be there. Like someone was about to tell me, "You're not a parent. You're not even pregnant. Why are you looking at day cares?" And it wasn't just an uncomfortable feeling. It was a feeling of dread. A feeling like this whole dream would come crashing down at our feet.
When we were driving home, I told D about this. And he understood. (Isn't it funny how sometimes we think-or at least I do- that our spouse is somehow immune to the feelings/anxieties that we experience?) We talked about how hard some of the things we've been through have been. The months of not knowing what was wrong. The months of trying to find out what's wrong. The figuring out what to do about what's wrong. But through it all, we never want to forget. We don't want to be that couple that- God-willing- starts building their family and loses sight of the pain and struggle we've endured. And while there are daily reminders now that we may not experience all we want to experience as far as our family goes, these will start to fade as well. Things like we may not ever have a regular baby shower. We may never pick out names for our children. We may never know what a child with our genetic makeup would look like. Act like. Be like. Become.
But at the same time, (you might think I'm sick to say this) I'm thankful for this journey. I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow in our marriage, in my faith, in my witness. Don't get me wrong- there are still times of bitterness. Of heartache. Deep, painful heartache. And as you know, those aren't just words. The pain that I feel just writing those lives up to the magnitude of the word. But I'm thankful to be feeling those feelings after such a long period of numbing myself. I'm thankful to be dealing with those emotions. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to be used because of what I've come through and am still wading through. I don't want my pain, our pain, to go to waste.
But what I do want... is to remember also what normal is like. I want to feel comfortable in parenting circles. I want to attend a baby shower without a second thought. I want to walk past maternity clothes without getting a knot in my stomach. To sum this whole confusing post up, I want to remember all I've gone through while also being able to function normally when it comes to babies. Does that make sense? Does anyone else have these conflicting feelings of who they want to become?
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI have good days and bad days, but the bad days are getting better. It's been almost 2 years since we stopped so I think as time goes by, it'll still hurt, just not as bad as it used to.