We celebrated one year of having A with us in our home today. It's hard to believe that D and I became parents to an 18 month-old this time last year. A has grown and changed so much that we find it difficult to think of what A was like when he came home.
Since A is still too young to really understand what today is all about, we did the decision-making as far as the festivities were concerned. I can't wait for him to be the one doing the planning. We went to a local pizza place and ate A's favorite food. H enjoyed trying some of our food and she loved laughing and talking to those sitting around us. She eats up the extra attention! A opened his gift which was this book:
And then he enjoyed his first taste of frozen yogurt. He loved it! I think we'll be frequent customers this summer when the Texas heat wave hits! On the way to the yogurt shop, A told us in the car, "Mom, I very sick. I need go see doctor." D and I had to laugh at how serious he was when he said that! Then he said, "Mom, I not tired. I wake!" I responded by saying, "Good! I'm so glad you're awake!" A says, "Yeah. Me too."
All in all, we enjoyed the evening together- our little family of four.
H's final court date. Her case will be transferred to the adoption unit soon and we'll get to move forward in adopting both A and H together! I spoke with our adoption attorney today as well as our AFS, and CPS came out for their monthly visit. It was a busy day- but we're so anxious to get an adoption date on the docket and finally have our forever family!
I have no idea when it will happen but I do know that it won't be before the end of May due to the 90 days that relatives still have to come forward. Maybe June? And then we are throwing a PAR-TAY!
It's so hard to believe that at this time last year, A hadn't even been placed in our home yet. What a difference a year makes!
As we begin filling out paperwork for the adoption, we have to decide now whether we're changing their names and what their new names will be. For A, we've decided to only change his middle name and we thought we'd do the same for H, but recently I've felt like this might be my only chance to name a child. Since H is still so young, a name change wouldn't affect her. The reason we were thinking to keep her first name is so we can keep that connection to her birth mom so when (not if, but when) she goes through that period in life where she hates us for adopting her, she might find comfort in knowing she had the name her mother gave her. Does that even make sense? What are your thoughts? We need advice! And if you have a name suggestion, feel free to throw that out too!
Two weeks ago, D's dad had open heart surgery. He's doing really well considering the major surgery he just endured, so this past Friday night we made the trip to go see him. A and H had fun with their GiGi and Poppy, Uncle D and Aunt J. We ate dinner, gave them baths, got pjs on, fed H her last bottle of the night and loaded up to come home. We've learned that getting them all ready for bed before a car trip helps so much! When we get home, we can just put them straight to bed.
This past time, though, when we were pulling into the garage, A started crying, "Mommy! Mommy!" I looked at D and said, "I'll get him. You get H." I got him out of his car seat and walked him to his room. He was still crying and screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!" so I sat down to rock him. I kept telling him, "It's okay. Mommy's here." But he just wouldn't settle down. At one point, he was crying out for me and I was responding but it was like he couldn't see me. Then his little body started shaking so I put him down on the ground in front of me so that he could see me, cradling his little body. He continued to scream and cry. At this point, D comes into the room and thinks A is being a 2 year-old and trying to avoid bedtime, but as soon as he sees the look on my face and A's little body shaking, he knew something was up. D walked over, picked him up and just like that, A quieted down, his eyes closed and he was asleep in 30 seconds.
We walked out of the room, both kinda freaked out about what just happened. Did A have an episode of night terrors? Was he sleepwalking? Whatever it was, it was not fun to watch!
I first heard this song not long after a particular court date in October, where our world kinda came crashing down around us- and the possibility of H leaving our home became very real. The lyrics made such an impression on me, I looked the song up on iTunes and downloaded it right away. After listening to it on repeat for several days during my breaks in my classroom, I started writing down the things that came to my mind about H while this song played. What each line meant to me. What I wanted to mean to her. I began to compose a post, but life interfered and I never got around to finishing it. A few days ago, I was listening to my iTunes when the song came on. I remembered this post that I never finished and knew I had to complete it. Before I forgot the emotions I felt. Before I forgot the words I wanted to write. So this post has been a work in progress- but one I'm glad to be publishing. Finally.
Scroll to the bottom and click play on the video to listen to the lyrics while you read the post.
All of Me
Matt Hammitt
Afraid to love something that could break
Will you stay with us forever?
Could I move on
Could I eat, sleep, love again? If you were torn away?
How could I live without your presence in my life? I love you so much already.And I'm so close to what I can't control
Your tiny fingers, twirling my hair. Your toothless smile. Your giggles.I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
Oh what I would do to keep you with us. Forever.
(Chorus) You're gonna have all of me
Every minute. Every second. You're gonna have all of me
When you take your first step. When you stumble and fall. 'Cause you're worth every falling tear
Even when loving you is painful. Even if you pull away from me as you grow older. Even if you miss the life you might have had with your biological mother. You're worth facing any fear
I will love you even when I'm told you're being taken away. You're gonna know all my love
I will trust. Even if it's not enough
Even when we're facing good-bye. Enough to mend our broken hearts
When things don't go our way. But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I promise to always love you with every fiber of my being.
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I will be strong for you. I will be your protector.
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
You are worth more. I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
My heart. For every moment I share with you Your excitement at seeing your brother. Your Daddy. Me.
You're gonna have all of me
Every minute. Every second. You're gonna have all of me
Every nightmare. Every stormy night. 'Cause you're worth every falling tear
The tears of joy when you stay. You're here! You're worth facing any fear
Whatever. It. Takes. You're gonna know all my love
I will never stop. Ever. I love you. Even if it's not enough
Even when I fall short. Enough to mend our broken hearts
When life is tough. When questions go unanswered. When our hearts break. But giving you all of me is where I'll start
Always and forever.
Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
I'm speechless with how undeserving I feel to be your Mama. You are a gift from God.You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
I've done nothing to ever deserve your presence in my life.So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
Never looking back, never questioning, just believing. You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
It occurred to me the other day as I was talking to the mom of one of A's classmates at 'school' that A must have a different sense of where little brothers/sisters come from. The mom was sharing with me that her son, J, was going to be a big brother and that she'd want tips on how to get J to make the transition from being the only child to being a big brother. And I thought, I'm probably not the person to give tips.
You see, we didn't prepare A for the arrival of H. In his mind (I imagine), he went to bed one night as an only child and woke up to a baby sister in the morning. Does he think this is what happens in all families? Now I know this happens in normal (not foster care) families as well- when moms go into labor in the middle of the night and a grandparent comes over to baby-sit the sleeping child while mom and dad go to the hospital to deliver. But those families have (hopefully) had 9 months to prepare for this transition- to talk about the change that was going to happen. We didn't tell A anything, not even when we put him to bed that night. I think, in our minds, we didn't want to say anything in case something changed before H arrived- which we've definitely learned can happen!
While A made the transition exceptionally well and he loves his little sister dearly, I can imagine that this change can be very tough on any family- even those who are given more time to prepare. I remember my nephews anxiously awaiting the birth of my youngest nephew, and constantly asking their mom when they were going to the hospital to pick up their brother. I think one even thought a brother was purchased at the hospital.
So maybe we missed our chances of preparing A for a little sister but I can't wait until we get an adoption date so we can start talking about that with A. I don't know why we haven't before, I guess I (again) feel like nothing should be said until we have a date to look forward to. I want him to be comfortable with telling others that he's adopted. I want him to know that he has a mom who loved him enough to give him to his Mommy and Daddy so we could give him what she wasn't able to. I want him to know that she gave him his name- that that will always be part of him and that we gave him his middle and last name, so he would always be part of us. I want the word adoption to be a commonplace word to him- no big deal.
And speaking of adoption, there's a very good chance that we will become the forever parents to two little ones- at the same time! We'll find out more leading up to our next court date in February, but things are looking more promising than ever!
I know we're still over 2 months away from H's first birthday, and while we're hopeful that she'll never leave our home, we can't be certain that she'll even be here for the momentous occasion- but in the event that she is still here, I'm already planning her party. (Did that sentence even make sense?)
With the help of my good friend, Pinterest, of course...
As a kindergarten teacher, Eric Carle's books are some of my favorite books of choice to read to my class. The Very Hungry Caterpillar is one of A's favorite books to read and I hope that H will follow suit in loving it as well. She definitely likes to chew on it!
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H's cough has improved greatly over the weekend. I'm so thankful she responded well to the breathing treatments. And we all enjoyed a quiet weekend at home- the weather was nice so A got to play in his sandbox for the first time since Santa brought it at Christmas. I was able to get all the laundry done by mid-afternoon Saturday- washed, dried, folded/hanging and put away. It was such a nice feeling! D got the garage tidied up, I was able to start some DIY projects, and we finally got the junk drawer cleaned out! Do you have one of those? Ours is the smallest drawer in the kitchen and it's amazing how much stuff we can cram in there.
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We've been working on A with his manners- saying 'please', 'thank you', 'no, thank you', etc. This weekend, it was so cute to hear him remember these things without us reminding him. Today I was combing his hair and he said, "Kanks, Mom, combin' A's hair!" He always says it in a tone that makes him sound surprised that D or I would do something nice for him, which makes it even cuter. He also loves to come find us and say, "Hey guys!" I think that is one of my favorite things to hear him say right now.
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For some reason, I haven't been able to comment on several blogs I follow. I figured out last night that it has to do with the browser I use since I was allowed to comment once I switched to a different browser. So I apologize that my commenting hasn't been the greatest! I'll try to make up for it!
