The Story of H: Revisited

My purpose for blogging is to keep a record, a diary of sorts, of my journey to becoming a mom; our journey to becoming a family.  The first year and a half of my blogging details a lot of waiting, of appointments, of finding out results of tests, of hearing the medical community's recommendation for starting our family.  Sidenote: Isn't it funny that we were going to foster while we waited and saved up our money for IVF?  And now we have two precious little beings and IVF is the furthest thing from our mind?  When I think about how drastically our plans have changed, I can't help but smile. 

Anyway, back to blogging... since I view my blog as a journal of sorts, I enjoy going back and reading through old posts.  Seeing where I was at this point last year or even the year before.  Sometimes I smile as I read posts of frustration, impatience, you-name-it, because I know what happens next.  Other times, I can't help but feel embarrassed over something I've written about that was so important to me at that time, but now pales in comparison to things of importance in my life. 

Recently I was reading through my posts from this year and realized I had never given the full story on how H came to live with us. 

We learned that A's mom was pregnant the weekend we met A for the first time.  I can still remember what we were doing: sitting around the foster parents' table, looking at 18 months worth of pictures of this little boy who had stolen our hearts while he slept in the next room.  I think it was Nanny (this is what we call A's first foster mom) who said that she had heard A's mom was pregnant.  I can remember not giving this information more than a second thought and how surprised I was when I heard D whisper in my ear, "Do you think they'll consider us for that baby?" 

I whispered back with a smile on my face, "One at a time, D.  One at a time."

Famous last words.

Two months passed and we saw A's mom for the first time at court.  Our CPS caseworker told us in the courtroom that A's mom had just had a baby.  As she said this, she gave us a look as if to ask, "Are you ready for a second child?" 

Again, I didn't give this conversation a second thought.  My focus was on A, and honestly, I was disappointed that both hurdles weren't being cleared and that we were going to have to wait until August for the second item to be accomplished.

During the next two weeks, when I wasn't busy playing with A or getting back into the swing of things at school as I returned from my leave, my thoughts would easily turn to thoughts of fear, anxiety, nervousness.  I was so scared that something was going to happen in A's case while we waited for August to arrive that would result in us losing A.

May 3rd
I was visiting with a friend at school during our lunch break when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.  I looked at the screen to see our agency's number flashing.  I actually debated for a split second on whether to answer it or let it go to voice mail- I was still living in fear of A being taken away and thought if that's what this call was about, I didn't want to hear it in the middle of the day.  In the end, I answered it to hear our placement coordinator's voice on the other end. After completing the normal pleasantries, our conversation went like this:

PC: A's mom has had a baby and we were wondering if you and D would take her.  She's healthy and she's a girl- that's all we know.  This is a foster-only case, she might not ever be available for adoption.  Are you interested?
Me: Wow!  Really?!  I think we would, but I better call D just to check.  Can I do that and call you back?
PC: Sure!  Call me as soon as you can!
Me: Ok!

As I get off the phone, I can see my friend hanging on my every word, trying to figure out what the conversation was about.  I have no idea what I was doing while I was talking, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that I was pacing the room at a super fast speed, waving my hands in excitement, and grinning from ear-to-ear as I spoke. 

I quickly told her as I was calling D to ask him. 
D's first words: Well, it's his sister.  We can't say no!

I was so glad to hear him say that.  So glad.  I was very close to having a longer break where I could run home and this just happened to be a day that he decided to stay home with A to experience some one-on-one time since his PE test was finally over.  I raced home, we talked about it, prayed about it, and then called our placement coordinator back. 

"We'll take her!"
"Oh, good!  I'll call CPS back and find out more details and then give you a call later this afternoon."
"Sounds good.  When do you think we'll get her?" *thinking days/weeks*
"Oh, you'll get her today, definitely!"

Somehow I finished the rest of the school day, then raced through the baby aisles at Target just trying to get everything we would need for that night.  I was in survival mode.  I remember making several calls to my oldest sister and mom, asking if I needed this or how many of this did I need?  Should I go ahead and buy this or wait and get it later?  I felt like I had gotten everything we would need, only to get home and realize there were many more things that we were missing.  So D went out after dinner and finished getting things while I rushed around the house, getting it "baby ready". 

At around 11:00 that night, our doorbell rang.  The caseworker was making sure she had the right home before she got H out of the car.  We walked out to her car, D walking calmly while I tried to slow my steps and act like this was something that happened to me every day- you know, because having a baby delivered to your doorstep is an everyday occurrence. 

I carried H in her carrier into our home and set it down in the living room.  She was screaming, ready to be out of the seat after a long car ride.  For a few seconds, we both sat there, staring, trying to figure out what we were supposed to do- should we let the caseworker take her out?  Do we rock the carrier?  Do we get her out?

Then the maternal instincts kicked in and I unbuckled the car seat and took this tiny (she was so tiny!) little creature into my arms, rocking her and talking to her to quiet her cries. 

I was her mom and she was my daughter- if only for the night. 

It's Fall!

Here are some of my fall favorites from that addicting site known as Pinterest:

Source: lifeasathrifter.blogspot.com via Frances on Pinterest

Source: fireflyblog.org via Rosy on Pinterest

Source: thehighheeledhostess.com via Melissa on Pinterest

Source: thehighheeledhostess.com via Trisha on Pinterest

Source: polyvore.com via Aparna on Pinterest

Kids Change Everything

1. With the record-setting heat we experienced this summer in central Texas, most shoppers are looking for a parking spot close to the door or in a great shady place.  However, in our car, a great parking spot isn't determined by distance to the door anymore.  No, it's determined by how close I am to the shopping cart receptacle.  Unloading and loading at a store is seriously a work of art.  A very strategic set of steps.  Something I never thought about until I found myself with two little ones trying to load back into the car at a grocery store and realized the shopping cart spot was a few parking spots away.  I didn't think about how I was going to return the shopping cart until I had both kids loaded up in the car... thankfully, another shopper noticed my dilemma and offered to take my shopping cart, explaining, "I have four kids so I know what it's like."  I was so thankful and made a mental note to always park right beside the shopping cart return.  And yes, I will drive around the parking lot a few times in order to get one of these spots that I now covet.
2. I'm sure we've all heard from moms about how much a baby changes things, like the amount of time you spend on getting yourself ready in the morning.  I had heard these things, but thought, honestly?  You don't have time to do something to your hair/ put make up on/ make sure you have spit-up-free clothing on?  What I've come to realize is that it's not always about having time... my problem is I don't even think about it.  This morning, D and I took A & H to the local zoo.  I got up, got dressed, put make up on, and got everyone else ready.  It wasn't until we got to the zoo that I realized I hadn't even run a brush through my hair.  Normally this would be no big deal, but I had actually showered the night before instead of in the morning and went to sleep with my hair wet, which left it frizzy and wavy.  So I dug around in the car until I found an elastic headband, fashioned it into a ponytail holder, and pulled my hair back.  And yes, I realize this whole paragraph might make me sound high maintenance- and I'm okay with that.
3. We go to the (early) early service at church on Sunday morning because it's actually easier for us.  D and I get up and get ready, get A up, feed him and get him ready, make a bottle for H and wake her up right before we leave.  We get her dressed and since we only live a few seconds from our church, we take her bottle with us and let the nursery workers feed her when we drop her off.  
4. H is eating cereal in the morning and in the evening (except on Sunday when she gets a bottle for her breakfast).  I try to get dinner going and then feed her while it's cooking so I don't have to while I'm eating.  It's working for now, but I know the day is coming where she'll be eating with us- and that makes me smile.  
5. On a more serious note... and I want to write this carefully because I don't want it to come across as complaining at all... I am so thankful for these two blessings that God has placed in our lives.  I can't imagine life without them.  They bring so much joy to my life everyday- A's silly personality and H's sweet smiles and giggles.  My life is so busy, so complete.  The busyness sometimes leaves me feeling like I'm treading water, just trying to stay afloat.  And I know that has more to do with the expectations I enforce on myself rather than the expectations of others.  It's a learning process, for sure, as I accept that I cannot possibly do everything I feel I need to every night, that getting to bed between 11 and 12 isn't helping anything, and that sometimes, the most important thing I can do (for myself and my attitude) is to take a nap.  You know the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps"- yeah, those are true words of wisdom. 

Reflection

Today H and I went together to pick up lunch for us to enjoy at home- we do that a lot- pick up food to eat at home.  She was happy and content in her carrier as I effortlessly lugged her into the restaurant.  (She may have been small at birth, but she's a chunky monkey now!)  I noticed a young couple placing their order ahead of me, just as the wife noticed me holding H's carrier.  The wife's eyes went from making eye contact with me, to looking down at H, then back up to me.  She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.  Maybe I'm hypersensitive, but I could almost see the pain beneath that smile.  And it was my heart that hurt.  I know that look.  I know that feeling.  And I just wanted to reach for her hand, give it a gentle squeeze, and tell her that it is all well worth the wait. 

Not because I think that my actions would make a difference in her life, or that she would believe me when I said those words, but because I so wish I could go back and tell the Les of last year all that was to happen in the coming year, of the (undeserved) blessings we were about to receive and of how God was going to answer our prayers in a way we never could have imagine; that I could take my hand, squeeze it gently, and tell that Les that the wait is almost over. 

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  Proverbs 31:25

September 7th

Today marks 6 months with A- the point where A has been in our home long enough for us to proceed with adoption.  It also marks the end of the 30 day appeal period for any parent whose rights have been terminated.  Seeing an email from our AFS with the contact information for an adoption attorney was surreal, to say the least.

Tonight as I read to A from our nighttime story, "When God Found Us You", these words hit especially close to home:

"Mama, will you be my forever Mama?"

"Always and forever.  No matter what.  This is where you belong.  Here with me, my sweet child.  You are mine.  The best gift in the whole world.  I will always love you, and treasure you, and celebrate the day God found us you."*

I was able to read these words and not have a single "What if?" run through my mind. 

*quoted from memory so I might have mixed the words up a bit*

Overjoyed

I've been a horrible blogger, but I just wanted to get on here to say that I'm so happy (so, so, so happy) for my blogger friends Rach and Denver Laura.  Rach and her hubby were selected by a birth mom to be the parents of a precious baby girl that they (understandably) have already fallen head over heels in love with.  I'm so anxious to hear the story of how it all happened (hint, hint). 

And Denver Laura and her hubby were selected to foster-to-adopt a little girl who they've gotten to know through providing respite for her previous foster family.  The situation has just worked out perfectly for them and I'm so happy! 

As for us, A turns two tomorrow!  I'm so excited to be celebrating this birthday with him.  His case is moving along and we're still hopeful about H joining our forever family, too.  It's amazing to think that just 6 months ago, our family consisted of D and myself.  Now only half a year later, we are not two, but four.  And while it's only been half a year, I can't imagine our life any other way. 

45 days

Yesterday, on August 8th, 2011 an important court hearing took place.  A is officially recognized as an orphan by the state.  Writing that sentence makes me sad.  This is difficult to put into words, but I don't believe that God intends for families to be torn apart in such a way.  I do believe, though, that God can use these tough circumstances for His glory.  And we are praising His name for allowing us to play a part in our little A's life. 

The next step is to make it through the next 45 days (which is the period of time the state gives to allow family to appeal the court's decision).  Then there's 45 days where nothing happens.  After those 90 days, A's case will be transferred to the adoption unit and he will be considered an adoptive placement.  Then the adoption can happen anytime after that.  This is the part where we really aren't getting our hopes up- not that we doubt the adoption will take place, but the time line in which the adoption will happen could be a really long time.  Every case is different, of course, but we've heard of families waiting 2 years after termination of parent's rights for the adoption to take place.  Honestly, I just want to make it through the next 45 days.  After that is finished, then we'll know that while he's not officially ours, no one can take him away from us either.  A leaving our house is really hard to imagine- he is such a part of our family.  He even acts like D!

As my AFS told me today, our case has been such a fairy tale.  This is not normally how things go in the foster care system.  We feel so blessed, so lucky, so fortunate, so incredibly undeserving of how things have gone so far. 

We are so thankful.