Kids Change Everything

1. With the record-setting heat we experienced this summer in central Texas, most shoppers are looking for a parking spot close to the door or in a great shady place.  However, in our car, a great parking spot isn't determined by distance to the door anymore.  No, it's determined by how close I am to the shopping cart receptacle.  Unloading and loading at a store is seriously a work of art.  A very strategic set of steps.  Something I never thought about until I found myself with two little ones trying to load back into the car at a grocery store and realized the shopping cart spot was a few parking spots away.  I didn't think about how I was going to return the shopping cart until I had both kids loaded up in the car... thankfully, another shopper noticed my dilemma and offered to take my shopping cart, explaining, "I have four kids so I know what it's like."  I was so thankful and made a mental note to always park right beside the shopping cart return.  And yes, I will drive around the parking lot a few times in order to get one of these spots that I now covet.
2. I'm sure we've all heard from moms about how much a baby changes things, like the amount of time you spend on getting yourself ready in the morning.  I had heard these things, but thought, honestly?  You don't have time to do something to your hair/ put make up on/ make sure you have spit-up-free clothing on?  What I've come to realize is that it's not always about having time... my problem is I don't even think about it.  This morning, D and I took A & H to the local zoo.  I got up, got dressed, put make up on, and got everyone else ready.  It wasn't until we got to the zoo that I realized I hadn't even run a brush through my hair.  Normally this would be no big deal, but I had actually showered the night before instead of in the morning and went to sleep with my hair wet, which left it frizzy and wavy.  So I dug around in the car until I found an elastic headband, fashioned it into a ponytail holder, and pulled my hair back.  And yes, I realize this whole paragraph might make me sound high maintenance- and I'm okay with that.
3. We go to the (early) early service at church on Sunday morning because it's actually easier for us.  D and I get up and get ready, get A up, feed him and get him ready, make a bottle for H and wake her up right before we leave.  We get her dressed and since we only live a few seconds from our church, we take her bottle with us and let the nursery workers feed her when we drop her off.  
4. H is eating cereal in the morning and in the evening (except on Sunday when she gets a bottle for her breakfast).  I try to get dinner going and then feed her while it's cooking so I don't have to while I'm eating.  It's working for now, but I know the day is coming where she'll be eating with us- and that makes me smile.  
5. On a more serious note... and I want to write this carefully because I don't want it to come across as complaining at all... I am so thankful for these two blessings that God has placed in our lives.  I can't imagine life without them.  They bring so much joy to my life everyday- A's silly personality and H's sweet smiles and giggles.  My life is so busy, so complete.  The busyness sometimes leaves me feeling like I'm treading water, just trying to stay afloat.  And I know that has more to do with the expectations I enforce on myself rather than the expectations of others.  It's a learning process, for sure, as I accept that I cannot possibly do everything I feel I need to every night, that getting to bed between 11 and 12 isn't helping anything, and that sometimes, the most important thing I can do (for myself and my attitude) is to take a nap.  You know the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps"- yeah, those are true words of wisdom. 

Reflection

Today H and I went together to pick up lunch for us to enjoy at home- we do that a lot- pick up food to eat at home.  She was happy and content in her carrier as I effortlessly lugged her into the restaurant.  (She may have been small at birth, but she's a chunky monkey now!)  I noticed a young couple placing their order ahead of me, just as the wife noticed me holding H's carrier.  The wife's eyes went from making eye contact with me, to looking down at H, then back up to me.  She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.  Maybe I'm hypersensitive, but I could almost see the pain beneath that smile.  And it was my heart that hurt.  I know that look.  I know that feeling.  And I just wanted to reach for her hand, give it a gentle squeeze, and tell her that it is all well worth the wait. 

Not because I think that my actions would make a difference in her life, or that she would believe me when I said those words, but because I so wish I could go back and tell the Les of last year all that was to happen in the coming year, of the (undeserved) blessings we were about to receive and of how God was going to answer our prayers in a way we never could have imagine; that I could take my hand, squeeze it gently, and tell that Les that the wait is almost over. 

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  Proverbs 31:25

September 7th

Today marks 6 months with A- the point where A has been in our home long enough for us to proceed with adoption.  It also marks the end of the 30 day appeal period for any parent whose rights have been terminated.  Seeing an email from our AFS with the contact information for an adoption attorney was surreal, to say the least.

Tonight as I read to A from our nighttime story, "When God Found Us You", these words hit especially close to home:

"Mama, will you be my forever Mama?"

"Always and forever.  No matter what.  This is where you belong.  Here with me, my sweet child.  You are mine.  The best gift in the whole world.  I will always love you, and treasure you, and celebrate the day God found us you."*

I was able to read these words and not have a single "What if?" run through my mind. 

*quoted from memory so I might have mixed the words up a bit*

Overjoyed

I've been a horrible blogger, but I just wanted to get on here to say that I'm so happy (so, so, so happy) for my blogger friends Rach and Denver Laura.  Rach and her hubby were selected by a birth mom to be the parents of a precious baby girl that they (understandably) have already fallen head over heels in love with.  I'm so anxious to hear the story of how it all happened (hint, hint). 

And Denver Laura and her hubby were selected to foster-to-adopt a little girl who they've gotten to know through providing respite for her previous foster family.  The situation has just worked out perfectly for them and I'm so happy! 

As for us, A turns two tomorrow!  I'm so excited to be celebrating this birthday with him.  His case is moving along and we're still hopeful about H joining our forever family, too.  It's amazing to think that just 6 months ago, our family consisted of D and myself.  Now only half a year later, we are not two, but four.  And while it's only been half a year, I can't imagine our life any other way. 

45 days

Yesterday, on August 8th, 2011 an important court hearing took place.  A is officially recognized as an orphan by the state.  Writing that sentence makes me sad.  This is difficult to put into words, but I don't believe that God intends for families to be torn apart in such a way.  I do believe, though, that God can use these tough circumstances for His glory.  And we are praising His name for allowing us to play a part in our little A's life. 

The next step is to make it through the next 45 days (which is the period of time the state gives to allow family to appeal the court's decision).  Then there's 45 days where nothing happens.  After those 90 days, A's case will be transferred to the adoption unit and he will be considered an adoptive placement.  Then the adoption can happen anytime after that.  This is the part where we really aren't getting our hopes up- not that we doubt the adoption will take place, but the time line in which the adoption will happen could be a really long time.  Every case is different, of course, but we've heard of families waiting 2 years after termination of parent's rights for the adoption to take place.  Honestly, I just want to make it through the next 45 days.  After that is finished, then we'll know that while he's not officially ours, no one can take him away from us either.  A leaving our house is really hard to imagine- he is such a part of our family.  He even acts like D!

As my AFS told me today, our case has been such a fairy tale.  This is not normally how things go in the foster care system.  We feel so blessed, so lucky, so fortunate, so incredibly undeserving of how things have gone so far. 

We are so thankful.

So much to say

I have so many things to write about, but I can't organize my thoughts in a way that would lend the post to making sense at all.  I could write about our first licensing inspection and all the anxiety that comes with getting one's home prepared.  I could write about the leak in our ceiling that ended up causing one of our friends to become drenched when he unclogged the clog- thankfully, this happened after the licensing visit- and yes, we owe him big time.  Or I could write about my younger sister's wedding festivities, the surgery of Nanny- A&H's foster grandparents and trying to get flowers delivered to her hospital room, the moving of H into her own room so we can all get more sleep at night, the constant changing and rearranging of furniture in our home to make it more kid-friendly.  The start of school that's just around the corner, the preparation we're doing so A & H will be ready to start daycare soon, the meeting of neighbors on our street who have boys around A's age and our first play date.

Instead I will write about a very simple thing that occurred a few weeks ago.

While attending my sister's bridal shower, my older sister was holding H and enjoying herself until H started crying.  While H may be little in size, her lungs would indicate otherwise- H's crying quickly became louder and louder.  My sister looked at me and said,"Here you go!  I only hold them while they're happy."  I gladly took H into my arms, thinking I might have to walk around, rocking her softly to calm her down and quiet her crying.

But her crying stopped.  Instantly.  As soon as she was in my arms.

And I turned away from the shower guests so they couldn't see the huge grin on my face. ;)

What I've Learned

We're over halfway through 2011 and I can't believe how our lives have changed!  Here was my first status update of the year:

Then this one in March when A finally came to our home:

 

And this one celebrating a growing little H at her two month appointment:

All this to say, never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined that halfway through the year, we would have not one, but two little ones in our home- to care for, to love, to play with, to laugh with, to enjoy time together.  I recently looked back on posts in my blogger profile from a time in December when I was at the lowest of lows.  Posts I never published because they were so painful to write and I didn't want to share- even here, my safe place, my blog.  It was hard to read those words again and relive those emotions and feelings- I was so lonely for a child.  We were both lonely for a child.  

But there's something about starting a new year that makes a person want a fresh start.  (And I just had a flashback to "The Other Guys" and Will Ferrell's 'fresh start'.  "They could call us the Febreze brothers because we're so fresh." hahaha)  I knew I didn't want to stay down in the dumps.  I didn't like the Les who cried at night when no one could see.  I didn't like feeling hopeless.  And besides, to feel hopeless is contrary to everything I believe as a Christian.  So I pulled myself out of the pit I was in and committed to living a different life.  That sounded really easy, huh?  It wasn't.  It took lots of encouragement and prayers from really good friends of mine.  And I would still call them in tears, not sure if I could pick myself back up.  It started with committing to not pick up a novel until I had had my quiet time each night.  To stop worrying and start praying. 

I'm not here to say a change happened in my life overnight.  Or that this journey suddenly became easier.  Or that my life was sunshine and rainbows from hereon.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  I faced attacks at work, in my personal life, and discord in my marriage with D.  I cried tear after tear as I pleaded with God.  I continued to spend time in the Bible.  And pray.  I prayed as I've never prayed before.  While I was experiencing some of the most painful times in my life, God was working on my heart.  He was faithful to see me through the tough times of infertility so I trusted in Him to get me through this.  

And there were brighter days in all that was going on.  Like the day I received the email about A and called my friend to meet me on the playground (I just laughed out loud as I wrote that- the joys of teaching!) so I could tell her about him.  She told me later that she knew from the beginning that there was something different about this little boy and just knew in her heart we were meant to be together.  When I was laying at home, holed up with the flu and got word that we were one of the final three families selected for A.  When we found out a week later that we were chosen!  "We got him!" was the text I sent out to friends and family.  Celebrating that night with friends was a bittersweet time as so many things had changed and were continuing to change.  Then getting to meet him on D's birthday.  A. maz. ing. 

I could go on and on about the wonderful things that have happened in our life since, and there have been many, but that's not where I'm going.  Because this post is titled "What I've Learned."  And what I've learned in the first half of 2011 can all be boiled down to this:

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5

(Emphasis mine)

No matter where you are in your journey- whether just beginning or seeming to be at your wit's end, whether you're finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or feeling like the tunnel never ends- don't lose hope.  Without hope, I am an empty shell of a person.  And that's no way to be when you do get the answers you've been waiting for, when your wildest dreams come true.  

Did I ever imagine that I would be thankful for the years of loneliness I experienced as I waited for a family?  Not in a million years.  But I am.  Thankful that this journey changed me.  Changed my heart.  Changed my priorities.  Changed my perspective.  

How has it changed you?