D had his doctor's appointment today to get his referral to see a urologist. The appointment went well and the doctor even told him what he thought might be the issue and if that's what it is, it's completely treatable. Of course, we don't know that for sure, but at least it was good news. Even better news is that D's urologist appointment is Thursday! As the title says, I can't believe that he could get in that soon! Of course, I'm not getting my hopes up that we'll have any answers from this first appointment, but at least he's being seen before Christmas.
Question: Do I go with D to this first appointment? What should we expect from this first visit?
This whole journey is such a roller coaster. I'm excited about him being seen, but terrified of the answers we might receive. Such conflicting emotions!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is D's appointment to get the referral for the Urology appointment. He'll be having a physical done and some blood work (he requested that) so hopefully by this time tomorrow, we'll have a day and time for the first Big Appointment.
The fact that its taken two months to finally get to this appointment, which isn't even the one we'd like to be having, is so frustrating that I almost have to laugh. As my sister said on the phone last night when I talked to her about this, "It's a step in the right direction."
I wish it was a giant leap.
The fact that its taken two months to finally get to this appointment, which isn't even the one we'd like to be having, is so frustrating that I almost have to laugh. As my sister said on the phone last night when I talked to her about this, "It's a step in the right direction."
I wish it was a giant leap.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Punch in the Gut
Sweet 5 year-old kindergarten student: Mrs. B, do you only want to be a teacher?
Me: thinks, "No, I'd also really like to be a mother."
says, "I've always wanted to be a teacher."
Good job on avoiding the question. If only that will work at all the Christmas family get-togethers we'll be enduring. I can't believe I'm dreading Christmas. Am I really letting IF take all the joy out of my life?
If the funk I've been in is any clue to the answer to that question, then it's yes.
Me: thinks, "No, I'd also really like to be a mother."
says, "I've always wanted to be a teacher."
Good job on avoiding the question. If only that will work at all the Christmas family get-togethers we'll be enduring. I can't believe I'm dreading Christmas. Am I really letting IF take all the joy out of my life?
If the funk I've been in is any clue to the answer to that question, then it's yes.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Seriously?!
If you notice, I now have our time line of our journey posted on the sidebar. Hopefully, I'll keep that updated even if I don't post. :)
Since the last post, D spent almost a month trying to get a referral from my doctor (who ordered the testing) only to find out that he would need to get a referral from his own doctor. This wouldn't be a problem except that he never goes to the doctor and hasn't been since he graduated from college and started his job. So now D finds a doctor and makes an appointment so he can eventually receive a referral to see the doctor he actually needs to see. The date for this appointment: December 9th. Then we'll probably have a month wait to get in to see the Urologist that he needs to go see. Can I get an extra dose of patience?!
As the holidays approach, I'm starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like at even the mention of Christmas, I just want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. Thanksgiving and Christmas are so difficult for me. It's another event that reminds me of the one thing we don't have yet. My arms are still empty.
To add to it, in the past week we've gotten pregnancy announcements from two other couples. It's so hard to be genuinely happy when I'm questioning why? Why them? Why not us? And I feel so guilty for having such a selfish outlook. I mean, why not us? Why shouldn't we be the couple going through this process?
And that's where I stop.
It hurts too much.
Since the last post, D spent almost a month trying to get a referral from my doctor (who ordered the testing) only to find out that he would need to get a referral from his own doctor. This wouldn't be a problem except that he never goes to the doctor and hasn't been since he graduated from college and started his job. So now D finds a doctor and makes an appointment so he can eventually receive a referral to see the doctor he actually needs to see. The date for this appointment: December 9th. Then we'll probably have a month wait to get in to see the Urologist that he needs to go see. Can I get an extra dose of patience?!
As the holidays approach, I'm starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like at even the mention of Christmas, I just want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. Thanksgiving and Christmas are so difficult for me. It's another event that reminds me of the one thing we don't have yet. My arms are still empty.
To add to it, in the past week we've gotten pregnancy announcements from two other couples. It's so hard to be genuinely happy when I'm questioning why? Why them? Why not us? And I feel so guilty for having such a selfish outlook. I mean, why not us? Why shouldn't we be the couple going through this process?
And that's where I stop.
It hurts too much.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Results
Well, D received a phone call today from my doctor with the results from his test. Needless to say, they weren't good. He called me in tears. In the 9 years we've been together, I have never felt so helpless. I just wanted to hug him.
My doctor says that it could be a fluke, but she wants him to see a urologist to have more testing done. I'm not sure when that will happen, but hopefully soon.
It's weird, but I've had a feeling that this is how it would turn out. And I thought I was going to be really upset at the prospect of never being pregnant. But all I could think about was that D wouldn't be able to pass on his great personality, his athletic abilities, his blond hair and bright blue eyes... it's like I'm mourning the loss of a child that never existed.
I'm pretty sure we won't go down the donor road, so it stands to reason that I would be upset that my traits wouldn't be passed on. But for some reason, I can handle that.
I have felt for some time that we were to adopt, whether we could have kids of our own or not. So adoption is definitely the way we would want to go.
But this journey's not over. We'll have more appointments and tests run just to be sure. Please keep us in your prayers.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Time for an update
A post have been long over-due... I can't believe it's already October. I'm ready for changes in the weather, holidays, new fall decorations. I'm really just ready for change, period. First I'll fill you in on what's been going on...
Where to start? I finally got the nerve up to make the fertility work-up appointment. Both D and I went September 22nd to meet with my doctor to see what the next steps would be. Since my cycle has been pretty normal for the past half-year or so, she wanted to go ahead and do some checks on the hubby. Needless to say, we left the office with two cups in a brown paper bag...
After D's tests are done and if everything comes back normal, then the next step is for me to schedule an HSG. Yeah, look that one up. Sounds delightful, huh? A couple of years ago, if you had told me that I would allow something like that to be done to me so I could have a baby, I'd probably say you were crazy. Not that I didn't want children, but just that I never imagined myself in this position. However, there's not much I wouldn't do now to one day be able to be a mother.
When D and I got married, we of course talked about children and starting a family. I always told him that I didn't want to get crazy-obsessed with baby-making when the time came. I just wanted it to happen. This sounds like such an ideal picture... for a Miracle to just happen. But over the past year that we've been trying and the year before that when my heart began aching for a baby, I've lost hope. I don't even start out the cycle thinking that I'll get pregnant. I told myself that I'm just not getting my hopes up. But now, I really believe it. I believe each month will be another failure. I believe that next summer, we will be on another vacation instead of at home with a newborn. I believe that another Christmas will pass without the fun "We're Expecting" Christmas cards being sent out.
But what I really struggle with is this: should I be longing for a child so much that it hurts? Does this mean that I'm not content? I love D, can't imagine living without him, but if this is what God has planned for us, is it enough? Tears are streaming down my face just thinking about this. I pray that I find satisfaction in God and that's the only place I look. That God will be enough for me. I look to Him to satisfy this longing.
Please, fill me up.
I am empty.
Where to start? I finally got the nerve up to make the fertility work-up appointment. Both D and I went September 22nd to meet with my doctor to see what the next steps would be. Since my cycle has been pretty normal for the past half-year or so, she wanted to go ahead and do some checks on the hubby. Needless to say, we left the office with two cups in a brown paper bag...
After D's tests are done and if everything comes back normal, then the next step is for me to schedule an HSG. Yeah, look that one up. Sounds delightful, huh? A couple of years ago, if you had told me that I would allow something like that to be done to me so I could have a baby, I'd probably say you were crazy. Not that I didn't want children, but just that I never imagined myself in this position. However, there's not much I wouldn't do now to one day be able to be a mother.
When D and I got married, we of course talked about children and starting a family. I always told him that I didn't want to get crazy-obsessed with baby-making when the time came. I just wanted it to happen. This sounds like such an ideal picture... for a Miracle to just happen. But over the past year that we've been trying and the year before that when my heart began aching for a baby, I've lost hope. I don't even start out the cycle thinking that I'll get pregnant. I told myself that I'm just not getting my hopes up. But now, I really believe it. I believe each month will be another failure. I believe that next summer, we will be on another vacation instead of at home with a newborn. I believe that another Christmas will pass without the fun "We're Expecting" Christmas cards being sent out.
But what I really struggle with is this: should I be longing for a child so much that it hurts? Does this mean that I'm not content? I love D, can't imagine living without him, but if this is what God has planned for us, is it enough? Tears are streaming down my face just thinking about this. I pray that I find satisfaction in God and that's the only place I look. That God will be enough for me. I look to Him to satisfy this longing.
Please, fill me up.
I am empty.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Decisions, decisions.
The last cycle pre-"fertility work-up appointment" has come and gone. That's right. It's done. And now it's time to make decisions. Wow. I never thought that I would be making this appointment. I never thought that I would try for over a year to get pregnant. And still not be pregnant.
A friend asked if I was ticked. And I'm sure I will be. I guess right now, I'm just still in shock. I still hold onto the hope that this will happen on our own. I guess I'm still in denial. Sunday night, D and I sat down and pored over a website about the whole infertility "process". While it was nice to educate ourselves together, I so wish our struggle had been with deciding which crib would work best in our nursery, instead of trying to predict which procedure we would have to endure.
And infertility has changed my life in other ways, too. Like today, when a teacher at my school was carrying around her new baby this afternoon, I found myself avoiding her. Avoiding the baby. Avoiding the feelings that I knew would bubble to the surface. I'm so tired of hiding those emotions. This weekend, we've been invited to one of D's 2nd cousin's 1st birthday party. And we're not going. Last summer when we started trying, I helped throw a baby shower for the little one and couldn't help thinking that we'd be joining them soon. We all know how that has turned out. And now I can't even celebrate his 1st birthday without remembering. Without thinking about how it was supposed to be.
Looking ahead...
I will be making an appointment soon (when I get the nerve, so pray for courage). Pray for answers!
A friend asked if I was ticked. And I'm sure I will be. I guess right now, I'm just still in shock. I still hold onto the hope that this will happen on our own. I guess I'm still in denial. Sunday night, D and I sat down and pored over a website about the whole infertility "process". While it was nice to educate ourselves together, I so wish our struggle had been with deciding which crib would work best in our nursery, instead of trying to predict which procedure we would have to endure.
And infertility has changed my life in other ways, too. Like today, when a teacher at my school was carrying around her new baby this afternoon, I found myself avoiding her. Avoiding the baby. Avoiding the feelings that I knew would bubble to the surface. I'm so tired of hiding those emotions. This weekend, we've been invited to one of D's 2nd cousin's 1st birthday party. And we're not going. Last summer when we started trying, I helped throw a baby shower for the little one and couldn't help thinking that we'd be joining them soon. We all know how that has turned out. And now I can't even celebrate his 1st birthday without remembering. Without thinking about how it was supposed to be.
Looking ahead...
I will be making an appointment soon (when I get the nerve, so pray for courage). Pray for answers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)