Biopsy

Doesn't that sound fun? I feel so sorry for D. It seems like the theme song for his life this last month has been the line from "Tick Tock"... "Boys trying to touch my junk, junk." He gets a kick out of singing that line over and over. I think he's dealing with all of this through his humor. After hearing about the next appointment though, he did get pretty down. He's just tired of having to go through all of the procedures.

As for the appointment, his blood work and the ultrasound came back fine. His second SA came back with the same results as the first... zero. He's being referred to a fertility specialist who will biopsy his "down-there's", looking for two things: blockage and swimmers. If there's a blockage, he will go ahead and fix it and if he finds swimmers, they'll take them out and freeze them. So we still really won't know anything until the biopsy is done. D's consult appointment is January 19th... so lucky us- more waiting!

Nerves

Apprehensive. Anxious. Nervous. Ready for it to be over with. Tomorrow is the appointment and we are both balls of nerves... no pun intended.

I know that I'm just ready for answers and to be pointed in one direction or another. However, I know that whatever the news is tomorrow, it will be hard on D. We were planning on going to his parents tomorrow to start our Christmas holidays, but decided we'd leave Thursday. I'm so glad we did this. It will give us time to ourselves after hearing whatever the doctor tells us before having to face the world.

I'll try to get on here tomorrow to update, but can't make any promises. If I don't, have a Merry Christmas!

More appointments

Well, we didn't really hear what we wanted to hear, but still don't have any set answers yet, either. The doctor today was the first to use the A word with us... Azoospermia. We asked about what the other doctor told us, but he said that with varicocele there would be some swimmers present. With D's first SA, there were none. We do have a couple of appointments within the next couple of weeks. Next week D has an ultrasound scheduled as well as another SA. We'll meet back with the doctor December 23rd.

I'm glad I took the whole day off. It's given me a chance to really digest all of this. I think we're both still in some degree of shock/denial. The reality is that we may not have children of our own. That will be hard for both of us to accept, but we know that we will still have a family. Adoption has always had a special place in my heart, but I know that D will have a much harder time accepting that he won't have his own genetic creation running around in the world. With me, I think the hardest aspect is not being able to be pregnant. Pregnancy is such a miracle and I think pregnant women are so beautiful. I've always wanted to be able to experience that.

Whatever we find out December 23rd, the holidays will have a totally different feeling this year than any we've ever had together.

I can't believe it

D had his doctor's appointment today to get his referral to see a urologist. The appointment went well and the doctor even told him what he thought might be the issue and if that's what it is, it's completely treatable. Of course, we don't know that for sure, but at least it was good news. Even better news is that D's urologist appointment is Thursday! As the title says, I can't believe that he could get in that soon! Of course, I'm not getting my hopes up that we'll have any answers from this first appointment, but at least he's being seen before Christmas.

Question: Do I go with D to this first appointment? What should we expect from this first visit?


This whole journey is such a roller coaster. I'm excited about him being seen, but terrified of the answers we might receive. Such conflicting emotions!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is D's appointment to get the referral for the Urology appointment. He'll be having a physical done and some blood work (he requested that) so hopefully by this time tomorrow, we'll have a day and time for the first Big Appointment.

The fact that its taken two months to finally get to this appointment, which isn't even the one we'd like to be having, is so frustrating that I almost have to laugh. As my sister said on the phone last night when I talked to her about this, "It's a step in the right direction."

I wish it was a giant leap.

Punch in the Gut

Sweet 5 year-old kindergarten student: Mrs. B, do you only want to be a teacher?

Me: thinks, "No, I'd also really like to be a mother."
says, "I've always wanted to be a teacher."

Good job on avoiding the question. If only that will work at all the Christmas family get-togethers we'll be enduring. I can't believe I'm dreading Christmas. Am I really letting IF take all the joy out of my life?

If the funk I've been in is any clue to the answer to that question, then it's yes.

Seriously?!

If you notice, I now have our time line of our journey posted on the sidebar. Hopefully, I'll keep that updated even if I don't post. :)

Since the last post, D spent almost a month trying to get a referral from my doctor (who ordered the testing) only to find out that he would need to get a referral from his own doctor. This wouldn't be a problem except that he never goes to the doctor and hasn't been since he graduated from college and started his job. So now D finds a doctor and makes an appointment so he can eventually receive a referral to see the doctor he actually needs to see. The date for this appointment: December 9th. Then we'll probably have a month wait to get in to see the Urologist that he needs to go see. Can I get an extra dose of patience?!

As the holidays approach, I'm starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like at even the mention of Christmas, I just want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. Thanksgiving and Christmas are so difficult for me. It's another event that reminds me of the one thing we don't have yet. My arms are still empty.

To add to it, in the past week we've gotten pregnancy announcements from two other couples. It's so hard to be genuinely happy when I'm questioning why? Why them? Why not us? And I feel so guilty for having such a selfish outlook. I mean, why not us? Why shouldn't we be the couple going through this process?

And that's where I stop.

It hurts too much.