Direction

D had his appointment with the "fertility specialist" over a week ago and yet I haven't posted any update. I'm honestly just plain tired. We both are. The specialist recommended that D undergo genetic testing to make sure that his genetic traits are ones that we want passed on before having him go through the biopsy procedure. That was so hard to hear. I can deal with not being able to have kids. That I can process and accept. But choosing not to have them because D might carry something we don't want to pass on... that hurt. I mean, I'm looking at a great guy, awesome personality, great sense of humor, loving, kind, great friend, dependable, faithful, trustworthy, great 3-point shot (he'd want me to throw that in there)... and I'm thinking, why wouldn't I want another little D running around? We left with a referral to a geneticist and later got an appointment scheduled for March 4. More waiting...

The night after our appointment, my mom called to check in on us. She was asking questions about our next steps, and knowing that I have always wanted to adopt anyway, asked if we could pursue the adoption process at the same time. I've always had uncomfortable feelings about that. Like we'd be getting to have a foot in each door and could potentially be blocking a couple who are all the way in. Does that make sense? I told her that and what I was really looking for is a sign showing one way or the other. I mean, sure, we'll go ahead and have his genetic testing done and if all looks good, the biopsy as well. But I'm not set on needing to try for our biological child before adopting. D is still undecided.

The day had been busy, so after I got off the phone with her, I finally sat down and checked my email. In my inbox, I received a notification of an invite I received from a friend on face.book. I have never received an invitation from her before and she has no idea about anything we are going through, so with that in mind, the invitation I viewed made the hair on my arms stand up. It was an invitation to an adoption conference here in our town. There will be break-out sessions for the different types of adoption, a speaker to talk about financing adoption, etc. Wow.

Needless to say, I'm pumped. I'm not sure this is the sign I was looking for... I'm waiting on a sign from D, but it's a step forward. I'm praying for wisdom and guidance of course, but also a true sense of discernment. I tend to get really excited about something and expect everyone else to have the same level of eagerness. I really want to come out of this conference with both of us on the same page.... that I would use my head as much as I already listen to my heart and that D would listen to his heart as much as he already uses his head. That we would be balanced and/or balance each other out.

Biopsy

Doesn't that sound fun? I feel so sorry for D. It seems like the theme song for his life this last month has been the line from "Tick Tock"... "Boys trying to touch my junk, junk." He gets a kick out of singing that line over and over. I think he's dealing with all of this through his humor. After hearing about the next appointment though, he did get pretty down. He's just tired of having to go through all of the procedures.

As for the appointment, his blood work and the ultrasound came back fine. His second SA came back with the same results as the first... zero. He's being referred to a fertility specialist who will biopsy his "down-there's", looking for two things: blockage and swimmers. If there's a blockage, he will go ahead and fix it and if he finds swimmers, they'll take them out and freeze them. So we still really won't know anything until the biopsy is done. D's consult appointment is January 19th... so lucky us- more waiting!

Nerves

Apprehensive. Anxious. Nervous. Ready for it to be over with. Tomorrow is the appointment and we are both balls of nerves... no pun intended.

I know that I'm just ready for answers and to be pointed in one direction or another. However, I know that whatever the news is tomorrow, it will be hard on D. We were planning on going to his parents tomorrow to start our Christmas holidays, but decided we'd leave Thursday. I'm so glad we did this. It will give us time to ourselves after hearing whatever the doctor tells us before having to face the world.

I'll try to get on here tomorrow to update, but can't make any promises. If I don't, have a Merry Christmas!

More appointments

Well, we didn't really hear what we wanted to hear, but still don't have any set answers yet, either. The doctor today was the first to use the A word with us... Azoospermia. We asked about what the other doctor told us, but he said that with varicocele there would be some swimmers present. With D's first SA, there were none. We do have a couple of appointments within the next couple of weeks. Next week D has an ultrasound scheduled as well as another SA. We'll meet back with the doctor December 23rd.

I'm glad I took the whole day off. It's given me a chance to really digest all of this. I think we're both still in some degree of shock/denial. The reality is that we may not have children of our own. That will be hard for both of us to accept, but we know that we will still have a family. Adoption has always had a special place in my heart, but I know that D will have a much harder time accepting that he won't have his own genetic creation running around in the world. With me, I think the hardest aspect is not being able to be pregnant. Pregnancy is such a miracle and I think pregnant women are so beautiful. I've always wanted to be able to experience that.

Whatever we find out December 23rd, the holidays will have a totally different feeling this year than any we've ever had together.

I can't believe it

D had his doctor's appointment today to get his referral to see a urologist. The appointment went well and the doctor even told him what he thought might be the issue and if that's what it is, it's completely treatable. Of course, we don't know that for sure, but at least it was good news. Even better news is that D's urologist appointment is Thursday! As the title says, I can't believe that he could get in that soon! Of course, I'm not getting my hopes up that we'll have any answers from this first appointment, but at least he's being seen before Christmas.

Question: Do I go with D to this first appointment? What should we expect from this first visit?


This whole journey is such a roller coaster. I'm excited about him being seen, but terrified of the answers we might receive. Such conflicting emotions!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is D's appointment to get the referral for the Urology appointment. He'll be having a physical done and some blood work (he requested that) so hopefully by this time tomorrow, we'll have a day and time for the first Big Appointment.

The fact that its taken two months to finally get to this appointment, which isn't even the one we'd like to be having, is so frustrating that I almost have to laugh. As my sister said on the phone last night when I talked to her about this, "It's a step in the right direction."

I wish it was a giant leap.

Punch in the Gut

Sweet 5 year-old kindergarten student: Mrs. B, do you only want to be a teacher?

Me: thinks, "No, I'd also really like to be a mother."
says, "I've always wanted to be a teacher."

Good job on avoiding the question. If only that will work at all the Christmas family get-togethers we'll be enduring. I can't believe I'm dreading Christmas. Am I really letting IF take all the joy out of my life?

If the funk I've been in is any clue to the answer to that question, then it's yes.